


isn't it lovely?

by ynmnsoulmates



Series: stray kids drabbles <3 [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Why Did I Write This?, and its fine, anxiety/panic attacks happen a lot for me, minus the comforting part because no one does that for me lol, writing based off experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 02:20:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16883802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ynmnsoulmates/pseuds/ynmnsoulmates
Summary: Emptiness.Chan feels empty.





	isn't it lovely?

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while listening to Billie Eilish, Khalid's Lovely. Was an emotional wreck too so... Enjoy I guess? It's pretty short, so don't expect much.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Chan watches the clock with his head tilted, leaning against his bed as he looks up with his eyes holding a gaze that bears nothing. He hears only the time passing by, yet he feels like he's stuck in a time loop.

But what was he feeling?

_"There are two types of sadness. There's that kind I want to get rid of so I watch friends listen and dance to happy music, find someone to talk to. Then there's the other one when you know you're sad, but you want to isolate yourself and just drown in the pool of emotions. Listen to sad music, read quotes about life. Drink tea and basically just feel empty."_

He doesn't feel it; doesn't feel his eyes burning, doesn't feel his hands itching to grab something sharp to pull against his skin, doesn't feel the million knives stabbing him all over, doesn't feel the urge to pull out his hair.

He doesn't feel the numbness taking over his legs for sitting in the same position for too long, doesn't feel his mouth drying out from drinking so little water for the past few days, doesn't feel his head throbbing from the lack of sleep, doesn't feel his heart swelling painfully in his chest.

He feels nothing. Nothing at all.

_"I hate that feeling. That feeling when you're sad but you have no idea why. You feel so fucking empty, but nothing in particular happened. They ask you what's wrong, but you can't explain. Or they don't even ask anything, and I don't know which one is worse. It just feels like I miss someone I never met. Like I need someone who doesn't need me. The loneliness hovers over me, takes control over me. I don't even care. I isolate myself on purpose. Sadness becomes my best and only friend. I start hating myself and I want everybody to leave me alone. At the same time, I want someone to hug me and to tell me things will be okay. I simply hate that feeling. That feeling when you don't even know what the fuck you're feeling."_

Sometimes he wonders how he became this way. Was it because he was jealous of his friends? Was it because he wasn't perfect? Was it because he feels like Minho deserves better? Or was it because he's just not enough. Not enough for everything, everybody, something, nothing.

But he was doing so well. He laughs when he sees his friends making a fool of themselves in public especially Felix and Jisung, smiles when he sees his friends happily walking together, loves when Minho plays with his hair and scratches his back while he falls asleep.

He didn't had any reason to feel like shit. Everything was going so well, so what caused his effort to be happy, to fucking fall till rock bottom?

Maybe because he doesn't breathe right. He doesn't eat right. He doesn't feel right. He doesn't do anything right. And he doesn't even know how to love right. He's not right.

At last.

He hears himself panting for air, gripping onto the carpet as he looks away from the clock into total darkness, curling into himself as he tries to fucking breathe. He tries not to cry because he didn't deserve to spill his feelings all over the floor. He fucking looked pathetic and sounded dumb for not breathing too.

His lips start to shake and tears build up quickly and fall fast from his bloodshot eyes. He's trying to suck it in and not make any noise but it hurts too much to hold in so he lets out a yelp and a cry.

And it soon becomes a full-on wail as he tries to figure out what's wrong with him. Why does he see the world in a different way now?

Why does he notice things normal people don't? Like the faint scars on people's arms. The emptiness in their eyes. The way they smile with their mouths but not with their eyes. The anxiousness they feel when having to eat in front of others. Just little things most would look over.

He doesn't hear his door bursting open to reveal a disheveled Minho, on the verge of tears as he pants for air. Minho runs to his boyfriend and immediately takes him into his warm embrace, apologising for not realising earlier as he cries along with the older male.

Chan shakes his head frantically, crying hard like he had never done it before, "I just can't do this anymore and right now everything's spinning and everything hurts and I'm not okay please please take away the _fucking_ pain-"

"-no baby, no, it's okay to not be okay. Listen to me, you're going to be fine. I-I'm here for you, I'm going to be here all the way. I'm going to make you happy again, and you'll be home again, okay? You'll leave your headspace, and it doesn't matter how long you'll take but I'll be here, we will all be here for you. I love you so much Channie, so don't give up on yourself. Please, hope for a little bit more. Breathe with me baby, look at me, I'm real. I'm real and I love you. You're with me, you're enough for me. I just need you to be okay for me, _please_ ," Minho begs messily as he hides his face in the crook of Chan's shoulder.

Chan can't hear him, but he wants to. Wants to know why his beautiful, perfect boyfriend's crying like he's losing someone, something so precious and dear to him. Wants to wipe away his tears but he can't move, he can't move his fucking fingers because he's too weak-

Minho pulls him into a teary kiss, holding his face gently as if it was made of glass. He pushes all his emotions and thoughts into Chan's mouth, moving away only to breathe and find something in Chan's eyes because he doesn't want to believe that he lost his boyfriend.

And when he finally hears Chan whispering out a soft, sad _love_ , Minho breaks out into another cry and hugs his boyfriend again, who was finally able to breathe.

Maybe sometimes Chan won't feel okay, maybe sometimes he doesn't want to live. But he has Minho, and if he could always see Minho laughing with his eyes twinkling, Chan thinks that he'll be okay.

Because Minho is his home, and his anchor.

**Author's Note:**

> It's almost 03:30AM, so I'm gonna try to sleep lol bye


End file.
